Fear of being alone

I always hated it. The dark feeling that I always hate kept on coming when I am alone.  It all started when I heard a story…..

           Rain pattered on the window sill as I looked wearily at my brother, Pranav, as he listened to his I-pod. I went to him and asked him to tell me a story. He sneered at me in an evil kind of way. He started this very scary story. Once upon a time, there was a man eating Cannibal. He looks for small boys and chops them to pieces and eats them with deserts made by blood. He said he might appear anywhere and cut even me into small pieces. I shuddered at the thought of being chopped. I kept thinking about this story the whole day.

            I could not sleep well that night. The Cannibal man kept on coming in my dreams, chopping my head, my hands, my legs and happily laughing while doing so. He even laughed out loud that the whole world can hear.

             I woke up hearing a strange noise in the kitchen. It was very sick. I went down to have a look. Lo and behold! It was the Cannibal again! He came towards me, swinging his machete. Suddenly his hand stretched and gripped me hard, not wanting to leave me. I shivered until my heart moved to my brain. The evil man plunged his machete into my heart!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!! I shouted as loud as a thunder. Blackness fell over me.

          Darren! Darren! Wake up!! Time to get up! I woke up. I wanted to scream. I could not believe that I was alive there lying on my bed. Was that just a dream? I couldn’t believe it. I brushed my teeth and had breakfast. Mom and Dad went to work. My brother Pranav was already off to his friend’s house. I….was….alone!

             I ran up to do my homework. As I was doing my work, I heard a muffled sound, but I did not care. It came again, I slowly started shivering. I stood up, feeling very scared. I heard it again; I screamed and ran to the corner. It kept on coming until I called my mom. After she picked up I stammered, “Mom!!! I am scared! Please come home now! I cannot stay alone!” My mom paused for a while and then said, “Darren, you are grown up. You cannot be scared like this. Mmmm… ok! Do this. There is a small God statue in the right side shelf. Take it and keep it next to you. Pray God and you will be safe for sure. Trust me! I will try to come home faster.”

             After the call, I tiptoed to the right side shelf that my mom mentioned, and I took the God statue carefully and tiptoed back to my room. I still heard the sound but this time it was getting feeble and feeble. I started getting more confident and felt braver. Pranav came back home first before lunch. We both had lunch together and did our homework together. I wasn’t thinking of the Cannibal again that day.

             But whenever I am forced to be alone, I feel terrorized little bit and whenever I feel so, I run to the right side shelf to take the God statue and tell to myself “All is well! All is well!” 

 - written by my son Pranav

My father's letter

My Dear Friends,

Every beginning will have an end. Every journey will have a destination. Every individual will have a cup which can hold certain amount of experience.

I know now that my cup can hold just this much of experience (46 years). I do not want to stretch myself to infinity. Instead I want to live within my limitations.

Metaphorically speaking, each one of us has a cup-like receptor that takes in experiences. It is not for us to determine the size. That cup can hold all the experiences of a lifetime and overflow. If we are not stingy and small minded, we will welcome many good experiences and goodness always overflows naturally.

There have been many seasons in my life. When the going was good, my cup of joy was full. When the way ahead was hard, my cup of sorrow was full. Sometimes there was so much of excitement and enthusiasm, that there was an overflow. Other times the road was dry and barren. I did manage to fall into pot holes of stagnancy. When the way was uphill, I was held by supporting hands. When I tasted the calm and tranquility of peaceful hours, I was as it was lulled into a quiescent state of being.

It was by divine design that I was a human being with limitations. My cup of life was meant to hold just this much, not more. I was made to be comfortable in the environment around me. Like fish struggling on land and completely ease in water, I too was made to flourish in certain circumstances and not in others.

The cup that overflows is the cup of joy and peace. These cannot be contained. They are infectious, as is in the laughter of little children. With such joy there can be no comparisons. It overcomes boundaries and barriers and enfolds others.

I was not made to overcome great heights, but to rise above small hills and mountains. I have been content and happy with small achievements. That was as much as my cup of life could hold. Whenever I have gone beyond myself, my cup was overflowed.

All the empowerment I have experienced in my life has come because these were the memories my cup could hold. Deep self-doubt was thus converted to deep self-confidence. The empowerment came not from unlimited exposure but from limited experiences that are part of every human being’s life.

Today I count myself lucky that my cup has been able to hold this much. I do not aspire for the impossible. I have my faults, failings, foibles and my share of mistakes. I am imperfect and in many ways flawed. So I do not need to prove myself over and over again. I do not need to impress others. I can be just natural, without formality or pretense. I can be bold in what I do and say – knowing that my world view is mine, not necessarily the same as another’s.

As I continue on the pathway, I am not distracted by things that do not figure in my life priorities anyhow. There are many things that I can still do for others, despite my limitations. By doing these, I take in what my cup of life can hold and then my cup overflows with joy, contentment and happiness.

You can always contact me for any good cause. If I can fill your cup with joy I am honoured. If you fill mine with joy I am blessed.

You will certainly come to know my exact date of relieving soon and I am sure you will there to say Good Bye to me that day.

May God Bless you all and fill your cups with joy and happiness till it overflows.

This is the letter he sent to his friends after he submitted his resignation... 65 year old man!